"Respectfully submitted for your perusal-a Kalamit . Height: a little over 9 feet. Weight: in the region of 350 pounds. Origins: unknown. Motives? Therein hangs the tale, for in just a moment, we're going to ask you to shake hands, figuratively, with a Christopher Columbus from another galaxy & time. This is The Twilight Zone."
The Twilight Zone-To Serve Man (1962)
I don't know where to begin with this one. I watched The Twilight Zone (both 60's & 80's versions) where was this episode when I was a brat?! THIS would have given me nightmares galore!! What a wasted chance of an experience, instead it had me laughing my head off for reasons we'll get into later! This stems from an era where we got both Cold War fears of nuclear annihilation & reported sightings of saucer-shaped UFOS, hence the era of B-Movies with alien invasion vis flying saucers. This tale is no less different yet their true motives are both original & sinister! We've got a '1984' style beginning, a man called Chambers in a futuristic cell, a voice politely asking him to eat his meal which he angrily refuses. THEN a BRILLIANT B-Movie flashback with an alien saucer flying over a large building, complete with U.S. flag in a populace city of passers by going about their daily routine. What a fab way to entrance for this geek blog/review guy!
They greet the usual squabbling UN Nations delegates with the hackneyed 'We come in peace' followed by the normal promise of a new dawn of peace & prosperity. Y'know, the usual, no more war, no more disease, famine, poverty, etc, sigh! The creepy Kalamits, all of 'em are played by Richard Kiel, yes, HIM, Jaws from the Bond movies! They're convenient clones, there's only one Richard Kiel! The scene where one enters the UN for the first time & the look of horror on the guards face is reminiscent of the scene in Moonraker of the airport guards look of horror at the arrival of Jaws, a homage?! The Kalamits live up to their promises within a year & all the Worlds military have junked their weapons, one word: stupid! They've also given the Human race a book that the best linguistics can't fathom. No Enigma? No Rosetta Stone?!
Darn hoaxers!
Now that Earth is a Utopia, the (may as well be on their way to welfare) U.S. military generals assign scientists Chambers & Patty to decipher the books alien language, this was where I couldn't stop laughing! Meanwhile, one of the aliens agrees to be tested. Suckers, I mean people are being hoarded onto flying saucers by the hundreds with stories of fancy space malls & golden material dresses. One fat guy is scoffing a kebab or something! Chambers curiosity gets the better of him. Patty runs up just as he's entering the ramp. The book "To Serve Man" a cookbook, okay, now I'm in hysterics! His desperate attempt to escape are futile & disturbing as the Kalamit is too physically big & strong. Avoid flight 914, in fact avoid all of them!
Just a bit late, don't you think?
We return from Chambers flashback & back to his alien cell narrating this tale & breaking the fourth wall in the process. After he warns us all that we'll all share the same fate, resigns himself to his, & succumbs to his hunger. A dark, nightmare epilogue.
Time for blog rant & why this cracked me up so when it should have compelled, scared the s**t outta me! I feel deprived, yes, really, that I didn't get to see this one as a kid! The Kalamits as imposing as they are, arrive bearing gifts like most conquerors, but what we really are to them is akin as those animals we consume, I'm sure veggies will feel vindicated seeing this. WHY do the Kalamits (cannibal?) give away a book with their secret agenda, I mean seriously? But what kinda ruined the horror for me & had me laughing my ass off was an episode of The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror, featuring alien Octopoids Kudos & Kang, which obviously was influenced by this. I'm sure Homer would make a great 'all you can eat buffet' for the Kalamits, LOL!!!
"The recollections of a one Micheal Chambers with appropriate flashback & soliloquy. Or more simply stated, the evolution of Man. The cycle of going from dust to dessert. The metamorphosis from being ruler of the planet to the ingredient in someone's soup. Tonight's bill of fare from The Twilight Zone."
I'll never look at a sausage the same way again!
Yours sincerely,
Borgduck aka Stewart